my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
