You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
