You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
