Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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