She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
