Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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