all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize