I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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