hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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