I will die if light touches me.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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