Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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