I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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