I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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