Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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