I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
