my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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