My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize