I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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