so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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