I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
