you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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