I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize