I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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