Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just found a bag of teeth...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
