When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
