i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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