I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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