my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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