yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
