I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
