Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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