I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
