im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
