ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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