In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
