I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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