you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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