apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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