it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just pee around me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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