Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just forgot I was standing up.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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