i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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