By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
