We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
