He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
