i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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