mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
