I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
