Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
