I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
