Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
