Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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