Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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