We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
