Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
