Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
